Ep. 5 of TFQ’s new podcast: Jerkules’ NFL Mock Draft

Blair Miller > THE SHIT SHOW, Episode 5 & Links

It’s finally here – our NFL Draft 2014 Jerkules Mock Draft Podcast!

No rest for the blunted here at TFQ. We gave our faithful fans Episode 4 of our new podcast, The Shit Show, which was mostly analysis of the NBA playoffs as round 2 was about to get under way. Now, we give you a very detailed analysis of what could/should go down in Round 1 in the NFL Draft.

Listen to the podcast here.

Some of you will recall that I (head writer Blair Miller, aka Jerkules) consider the NFL Draft my Christmas – the holiday when NFL teams get to see what new presents they get to pluck from under the NCAA tree. Some of you will recall my old Draft Advent Calendar, when I gave analysis on one team for each of the 32 days leading up to the draft, opening up a door on my trusty NFL Advent Calendar each time:

overall open pic

Ooooooh, only two more doors left!!! Whee!

This year we’ve done something different for the draft: combined it with The Shit Show to give you a podcast mock draft.

Listen to the podcast here.

At the end of this post you can find a list of my mock draft. (I put it at the end, so that those of you who don’t want spoilers while you listen won’t see it, or so that those of you who want to follow along with Count Yorga and I can use it.)

First, we give you some links to references and/or jokes that we make during this episode.

We’ve been using this pic to promote Episode 5, touting me as the Megatron of Mocks:

Megatron of Mocks

I’m supposed to be doing the Heisman pose here… Count Yorga thought it was more like a Talk To The Heisman, pose – a shout-out to this classic Simpsons fake commercial for a classic thespian’s show “Talk to The Hand”:

Talk to the hand

On to some references we make.  I like to refer to Jaguars owner Shad Khan as Chaka Khan, the classic funk singer.  That’s why I start doing my own rendition of this tune.

At one point during our mock draft, I pause for some gin & juice, saying “think, think, take a drink.” I say that a lot, thanks to one of the most underrated comedy shows ever, Mr. Show. Here’s the line from one of many hilarious skits on the show. Here’s the full skit.

Listen to the podcast here.

Those of you familiar with What I Saw during the NFL season here at TFQ might recall that I refer to Cardinals WR Larry Fitzgerald as Cousin Larry, which is a nod to the sitcom Perfect Strangers. Larry Appleton’s cousin is, of course, Balki Bartokomous.


I also mention that Rams QB Sam Bradford is basically held together with duct tape at this point, a la Red Green. Red Green was a Canadian satire of do-it-yourself shows; Red Green would use duct tape to fix any and everything.

Red Green

That’s about it for references.

Listen to the podcast here.

Here’s an accompanying list for the Jerkules Mock Draft, followed by a few summarizing thoughts.


1 Houston Jadaveon Clowney, South Carolina DE
2 St. Louis(from WAS) Greg Robinson,Auburn OT
3 Jacksonville Khalil Mack,Buffalo LB
4 Cleveland Sammy Watkins,Clemson WR
5 Oakland Mike Evans,Texas A&M WR
6 Atlanta Jake Matthews,Texas A&M OT
7 Tampa Bay C.J. Moseley,Alabama LB
8 Minnesota Aaron Donald,Pittsburgh DT
9 Buffalo Eric Ebron,North Carolina TE
10 Detroit Darqueze Denard,Michigan State CB
11 Tennessee Justin Gilbert,Oklahoma State CB
12 New York Giants Zack Martin,Notre Dame OT
13 St. Louis Johnny Manziel,Texas A&M QB
14 Chicago Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix,Alabama S
15 Pittsburgh Kelvin Benjamin,Florida State WR
16 Dallas Anthony Barr,UCLA LB
17 Baltimore Calvin Pryor,Louisville S
18 New York Jets Odell Beckham,LSU WR
19 Miami Cyrus Kouandjio,Alabama OT
20 Arizona Tyler Lewan,Michigan OT
21 Green Bay Kyle Fuller,Virginia Tech CB
22 Philadelphia Bradley Roby,Ohio State CB
23 Kansas City Marquise Lee,USC WR
24 Cincinnati Timmy Jernigan,Florida State DT
25 San Diego Lamarcus Joyner,Florida State CB
26 Cleveland(from IND) Blake Bortles,Central Florida QB
27 New Orleans Dee Ford,Auburn DE
28 Carolina Brandin Cooks,Oregon State WR
29 New England Louis Nix III,Notre Dame DT
30 San Francisco Ra’Shede Hageman,Minnesota DT
31 Denver Xavier Su’a-Filo,UCLA G/OL
32 Seattle Morgan Moses,Virginia OT


I discuss potential teams to make trades during the first round, and why. But I don’t integrate trades into my mock draft. Not many other writers are either, likely because the past few years have seen a somewhat unpredictable shit show of its own in terms of draft trades.

I do, however, take a look at the two teams currently without a selection in Round 1 – Washington and Indianapolis – and what they’re likely to do in Round 2.

A few closing thoughts about the mock:

By position:

Offensive line: 7

Wide receiver: 6

Cornerback: 5

Defensive line: 5

Linebacker: 3

Safety: 2

Quarterback: 2

Defending BCS champ Florida State and Texas A&M lead the pack with 3 players taken in Round 1.

Listen to the podcast here.


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